I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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