i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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