Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize