I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
