I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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