There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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