I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
