you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
