Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
