She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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