better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
