I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
