I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
