I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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