I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
