it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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