My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
