I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
