I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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