I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
