No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
