Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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