u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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