Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
