guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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