nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
this just has baby written all over it
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
