Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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