Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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