my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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