A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize