He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
