Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Woke up backwards on a recliner
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
