he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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