not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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