Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
