Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
