i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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