he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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