You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
