$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
he shaved USA in his pubs
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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