I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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