Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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