I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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