Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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