failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Boobs are out for the taking
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
