They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Randomize