There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
