So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
