Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
