brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
