Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
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