when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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