my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
