I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
