At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i will never coherently bang her
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
