I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
worst night to have a conscience
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
After tacos, we're chasing women.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
