Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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