I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
