I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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